This RunDisney year is hard for me. I have told myself that it would be and I have prepped my brain that it was going to be a challenge, but the emotional roller coaster is already insane and I'm just beginning. Thank Goodness for a good Counselor!
On Saturday at Karate, I was having a great time, without fear and truly in love with the sport.
Today, I cried the entire way home. I feel clumsy and ridiculous.
On Saturday during my run, I finished my last long run of the conditioning program and felt fantastic. My old injuries were even feeling good.
Today, I started the formal marathon program and feel hopelessly overwhelmed at how slow I am and how poor my endurance is.
On Saturday, I was elated when I stepped on the scale and noticed that I have dropped 25 pounds.
Today, I look in the mirror and see a fat girl with several obesity related health problems that require medications that continue to make me fat.
In 3 days I have felt the extremes of what this year will continue to bring and no in between. I've been psychotically happy to the point where people have a hard time being around me and so discouraged to the point where I don't want to be around anyone else.
As I was driving home today and realized I was crying and feeling sorry for myself, I tried to give myself a rationale pep-talk. I'm a Hospice nurse for crying out loud. I pride myself in being comfortable with people who are at the lowest point in their lives and being able to bring them hope through kindness and prayer. But I couldn't do that for myself today.
Jeff Galloway, the official trainer for RunDisney, talks about these emotions in his book MARATHON You can do it! It's the Left Brain logic vs the Right Brain intuition.
The Left Brain is all about logic. Whenever anything gets hard or even MAY BECOME hard, it's your left brain telling you to STOP or SLOW DOWN. Fear is in the Left Brain.
The Right Brain is all about creativity. It's the one giving you the encouragement to keep going and a bazillion ideas on how to solve problems. Courage is in the Right Brain.
The problem with our culture is that we live almost entirely in the Left Brain (I certainly do). So it takes training and prayer and meditation to start to use more of the right brain and drown out the left brain signals.
Wow! My Left Brain is LOUD!
Karate
The more and more I learn about Karate, the more and more I realize that I have so far to go. Complicating this is that I cannot find any books to teach me what to do that is consistent to what my Sensei's are teaching me. I'm a book learner and an Obsessive Compulsive researcher, so it is making me absolutely crazy that I can't sit down and read everything I want to know about Shaolin Kempo.
Running
Most folks know this about me because I've told them, but most folks I know today has never seen this from me, BUT... There was a time when I was a state runner for High School and College and not only completed distance races, but PLACED in them. I used to have a mile time that was less than 5 minutes. I was really good at running. It's been a long time since those days and I've had kids and depression and I so often feel like I just cannot get to that place I used to be.
Weight Loss
So, because I used to be an excellent runner, I was also pretty thin. I was one of those girls who complained because I could not find sizes small enough for me {I know, even I am going to go barf right now}. Now, I am obese. And I have several Obesity Related Illnesses. For these illnesses I have to take medication which has side effects that slow down my metabolism, increase my appetite and make is very difficult to lose weight.
So if I do what my Left Brain is shouting at me to do right now... I'd give up entirely.
But here's the thing... That's never worked well for me and then I get really pissed off at myself. I'm not one of those people who feel ashamed. Nope... I feel anger (Again... Love that Counselor).
So, I'm going to try something new. I'm going to force myself to work from my Right Brain for a bit. It's not comfortable at all for me, but if I am going to do this and feel good about it, it's time to change my brain.
Karate
I am accepting more and more that Shaolin Kempo is more art than book learning. It's a beautiful mix of athleticism, logic, quick thinking and grace. If I continue to compare myself to the ones in the black Gis that have been working for so much longer than I am, I'll never get to where I want to be. So... I'm going to quit worrying about belt colors and rank positions and just enjoy the movement and beauty that is martial arts.
Yep... Gonna need some prayer on this one!
Running
I have 7 months to get faster and stronger and gain endurance. That's a REALLY long time. Since beginning the conditioning period, I've gone from a 18 minute mile to a 10 minute mile. That's a minute a week improvement. I'm going to keep a flow chart and just keep focusing on the small goals.
Ditto on the prayer!
Weight Loss
I'm not stepping on the scale anymore and I'm not concerning myself with the stupid mirror. My clothes are baggier. I feel stronger. Likely, I'll lose inches, but not weight for awhile. Galloway talks about weight loss in running as well and states that what I lose in fat, I'll replace in water for the muscle cells and increased blood flow for oxygenation.
I think I'm going to need to read that chapter every night for awhile.
Am I never going to cry and get discouraged again. Actually, I'd love it if some of you could take turns allowing me to call and wallow for awhile because those moments are going to come again and again (and my poor husband deals with it so very often). It's OK to feel those feelings as long as you don't allow yourself to get so stuck in that space that you can't move forward into the rewards as well. In the past, I got stuck. I'm determined not to do so again.
Anyone got any good books on motivation?
